seramyad

so....i think i should not try to get everything out in one post and just focus on a couple things. that may be why i've been unable to write anything- every time i try i get overwhelmed by it all. some of it i feel silly writing about because even though it feels huge to me and i don't know how to handle it, i still am better off than lots of people. tonight i'll stick to what i can't talk to anyone about yet- mostly because i don't know how to bring it up with anyone... so i think i've mentioned on here before how sometimes- usually at night while lying in bed- my mind will suddenly shift from whatever i'm thinking about to a vision, or image, of myself being tortured. it started a few months before i moved to alaska. i would be in bed thinking about my day or about the next day, then i'd get the image of myself strapped to a table and someone is cutting off my toes one at a time with a pair of garden pruners. i'd squirm and nearly fall out of bed. it doesn't hurt, but the physical, mental, and emotional feelings of anticipating each cut would be real. it was so real that i began to think that i had cellular memory of it happening to me in a previous life. it's so real. i felt, and still feel, that i know on some level what it is like to be held down and physically mutilated. sometimes it would involve my eyes, jaw, and fingers. The past year it's happening while i'm at work and while driving. it was so bad one morning on my way to work that i nearly blacked out on the highway and had to pull over. it comes out of nowhere. i was listening to music and thinking about what i'm going to do when i get off work then suddenly i was being pushed through the blades of a giant meat grinder in a giant steel box, then i started getting lightheaded and tunnel-vision. i can't get myself to write about the details of what's been happening to me during these "daymares" the past couple months, but it happens daily and i think i'm going to lose my fucking mind if it keeps up. they are leading to anxiety attacks. several saturday afternoons in a row- i'd be on my way to the store, or somewhere with my camera, or most recently a friend's house and it would happen. i'd freak out and can't get out of the car when i get to where i was going. i drove for an hour around my friend's house saturday night, unable to get out or be around anyone for fear that i'd snap in public. i went to costco a couple weeks ago and it happened in the parking lot. i started yelling at other cars to get out of my way as i sped out of the lot to a side street and a quick way home. i worry that others already notice that i'm losing it. i have no idea if i'm acting strangely in front of others and if they perceive anything or not. i'm too young to lose my mind.

citats

I came on here to write tonight, instead I just reread what I've written on here in the past year. I'm surprised at how long this funk has gone on. I'm bitching about the same stuff that I was bitching about a year ago. Glad I took the time to reread all that. I don't know what to write now, so I'm going back to what I was doing.

static

I've started this post several times already with several different thoughts- and deleted them all. I feel like I should write tonight, but can't get a hold of what I want to write. . . . ... . .. ..... . . . ... Maybe I oughta address my two-year cycle. Nearly every situation, job, girlfriend, living space, and location I've been involved with the past 15 years of my life I've ended after two years. It's something I realized last year and is now taking effect with where I work. My job has been anything but easy and fun since the day I started, but every morning I looked forward to going- no matter how fucked up the day was before. It's ceased being that way for the past month and is to the point where I barely get anything done because I don't want to be there at all. The job hasn't changed- my patience for it and the people I deal with on a regular basis have. Where did it go? And why did it leave so abruptly now- after almost exactly two years? This is obviously an issue with me and something I don't know how to fix, or at least get under control. All day all I can think about is how much I hate what I'm doing there. Can be one of two things as I see it, either: 1) I have commitment issues and cannot last in the situations I get myself into more than a couple years; or 2) I continue to get myself into situations that are not right for me. How do I know which it is or does it even matter which one it is? It doesn't. Finally, after years and years of brain-bashing and soul-searching, I've figured out the reason for my- and all of ours'- existence here in this lifetime and all the lifetimes that have come before. I'm hesitatant to say it, mostly because if you have not gone through the long process of searching for it- it may not make sense, it may be too simple, or it may cheapen it. Regardless- I'll say it: we exist to experience what it is like to be human- that's all. Not to follow a god, not to be kind to those less fortunate, not to be reincarnated, not to get to heaven or avoid hell, not to buy shit, not to conquer or to reign dominion over the planet, not to save the planet, not to be happy, not to give a shit or not not give a shit... . . .... .. .. . . ....we exist solely to experience life in the human condition. We can do no wrong and no right here. Sure, the public and the courts and our values and traditions might disagree, but after we're done with this experience what we did won't matter because we were only here to experience life in all its possibilities. It's the only answer that makes sense when you wonder why some people are born into well-off, supportive families while others are born into a living nightmare and everything between those two extremes. It's the only answer that makes sense in light of life not being fair. It's the only explanation for both Mother Theresa and Jeffrey Dahmer. It's the only answer that makes sense when you think about the inequalities of the world and how some people never get a chance, while others have all the chances they could never use up. It's the only answer that makes sense to me, and maybe is the answer I've settled on because I'm tired of not sleeping some nights wondering about why I'm here and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.
I passed up the chance to get laid tonight. Haven't slept with a woman in about a year. An old fling from a dozen years ago is in town and has dropped hints that she'd like to hook up. I was looking forward to seeing her solely because sex was a sure thing. We hung out several hours a couple nights ago and had a perfectly fine time, but I took her home without even a kiss. It honestly felt like it would've ruined the evening. She emailed me several times tonight to come over, but I told her I had a rough day and was going to bed. My libido was in overdrive a month ago, and now I wasn't interested. I'm at a loss for a reason. More than anything, I think I just wanted tonight to myself after a week like this.
So, either I stay unhappy and possibly go crazy or I make a change in what I'm doing for money so that I can maintain my lifestyle. That's all jobs and careers are- at least all they've been to me so far- a means to an end. I'm 35 and still don't know what I want to do with my life. But if I go back to my recent discovery and to what an astrologer told me once- it doesn't matter what I do as long as it aligns with my life. I still don't think I know what that means.

I can't sleep, again...so I got high. Things are healthier. I had to change the way I was living so that I could have more energy, and more positive energy, during my days. I improved my diet, went to bed earlier, and cut down on my nicotine intake by 80%. My days at work went better, I was less stressed out (although people in their cars drive me nuts still), and I all-around felt really good.
I just realized why I moved to alaska so abruptly two and a half years ago- I was asserting myself to the world again.
Being around a lot of people freaks me out. Went with some friends to a small festival downtown. I was anxious the whole time. I didn't know how to act. I'm bothered by the fact that I had to conscientiously think about how I should behave in that setting around all those people. That's how I am these days. I'm trying to be social, but not trying real hard because I simply don't want to be.
I still want to know what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life. What should it be dedicated to? Do our lives have to be dedicated to anything?
I'm finally tired and am going to bed.

everyone

My parents and little sis just left today after a week and a day visit. I've been feeling rattled since they left. Again, I ask myself what I am doing so far from the people who love me the most? When they left, I'm knotted up and feel like I can barely muster up an appropriate goodbye. Sure I was ready for them to leave so I could resume my routine, but not to go without seeing them for another year. What am I doing? I want to know if I'm living the right life- the one I should be living. How are we supposed to know?
I want to move away from everyone. Despite my desire to be nearer to my family, I feel the need to move further away from society. I've realized that my intolerance of people lately is due to the terrible things people do to one another. I can't handle hearing about it, reading about it, or seeing it anymore- yet I can't get away from it. But it goes deeper- it's really about my fear of it happening to me. Being the victim of a horrible, senseless assault...being held against my will, being tortured. I had a startling thought tonight: what if the only course to end a soul's cycle of births and deaths was for that person to die a painful death as a martyr for all or anything that is good to them? People already believe and carry that out- most notably Islamic fundamentalists. In that example (and any other example, I guess) the "good" then is subjective to the potential martyr and also subjective to those that persecute him. Nirvana can't be reached through acts that we perceive as "good" or "righteous", rather acts that are undeniably objective- something that pertains to everyone, regardless of when or where they were born, and is unquestionably good. Does that even exist? Can it exist? My path to heaven is your road to hell. That's cannot be true in any sense. Because I don't know that answer, I won't sleep tonight.
Here's a bear my family and I saw in Denali this week:

a few photos

The flower is for SftA. That's quite a lot of symptoms listed on 4/2. I hope you're feeling better.
Re: "may explain why some readers are so frustrated with me and my complex, emotional thinking"- your thinking doesn't make sense to me. It's not right or wrong, or correct or incorrect- I just don't understand it. No offense meant and hope none was taken. I realize that I may have been harsh in my delivery and apologize. I would like to talk with you privately via email about how your mom got started in selling photos to magazines. If it's cool with you, I'd like to get your email address or give you mine so I can ask you about it. Gracias.
I realized that I haven't posted any on here for awhile, so here's a bit of what I've been doing. It's amazing to me how much happier I am when I finally find the time and have the light (and a bit more warmth) to get out with my camera. The more unhappy I get at my job, the more I realize that this seems to happen every two years- I get really annoyed with everything around me, despise my job, and tell myself something needs to change for me to be happy. Now I think I need to spend more time finding a way to support myself doing something that I enjoy doing. My job causes most of my stress and my tension- rather my emotional responses to my job cause me stress...mmm... should I be focusing on changing my situation, or on changing how I react to it? That thought will keep me up tonight. I should eat something and go to bed. I'll be back in a couple days.

friday

i rarely want to write here anymore because i feel like someone I may know found this and is reading it- I don't have a clue who it might be, but it just feels that way

here

mmm.... I really gotta stop getting high and writing stuff on here. I was a bit paranoid when I wrote that last post . The fact that I'm even using mental energy to debate myself if I should bothers me. I come home from work after spending 2/3 of my day on a compter... and check my email and Facebook. Then I'll go and do something but will check for messages every 5 minutes. That's retarded (escuse mi French). Then I'll spend three hours a night roaming Wikipedia, news sites, and Facebook. I have an internet addiction. I can't turn away from this much information coming as fast as I want it to. Recently I realized that I liked life better and had more fun when it was just email I checked three times a day. I am never getting an i-phone or blackberry.
I've become nearly intoterant of people- most everybody annoys me in some way these days. I have no right to be this annoyed, but I can only see the stupidity in most of the people I encounter or read about every day. Entirely my problem and I have to fix it. What's got my perception so warped that I feel this way? I just don't want to be near anybody. Everyone bugs the shit out of me. I seem to go through this every two years. Something sets me in this pattern.
Overall I'm feeling unsettled. Partially from the inside, partially from the outside.
I gotta eat something.

I'm feeling like I should delete this blog, and dismantle most- if not all- of my facebook account. Can't put my finger on it- kind of a gut feeling that it's what I should do. If I chose to, sorry to my one or two readers. We'll cross paths again sometime in some other life. Good luck to you, especially SftA. I wonder how you are doing sometimes and hope you are well. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. And the same goes for Mischka's aunt as well.
Some days I get really excited about what I do at work. I like that.
I'm not feeling grounded these days and am just starting to attempt figuring out why that is.
I need to get better at liking people. Right now I don't care too much for most everyone I come across each day. I've realized that it's my issue, not theirs.
There's been a lot to process lately. I think I need to start processing it.
I may add more to this before I yank it.

"It's All From Too Much Freedom"

Two plus months. I can't get myself to do anything- not write in here, not take care of the things I need to, not return phone calls, not take care of myself as much as I could, nothing. I blame the winter.